Today, September 8, 2014,
My daughter's baby shower was darling, thanks to the extra spoilings of my sister. Baby streamers hanging from the ceiling fan, baby blocks, and little tiny hand printed games, paper, and pencils announcing, "It's a Boy!" paraded through my cousin's home. Family and friends gathered and in the early buzz of set up my mother strides in with a fist full of festive Mylar balloons. "These, balloons aren't for the shower," she whispers in my ear. "They are for you." she grins. "Me?", I say. "Yes dear these are to get rid of all your bad divorced feelings; you're going to write on them and watch them float away." She nodded and raised her brow as if to ask, do you agree? I nodded back. My mother has had to hear me cry through the pains of my divorce now for months, well three for the proceedings but many more during my marriage. She wanted me to let go, she wanted me to move on. I wanted that too.
When we got to the park I had written my pains on the balloons lies read one, jealousy, read another, and the third was written in large letters EEYORE. Lies because I tried to convince myself what I was living was happiness, when really most of the time I was miserable, jealousy, because it stole away the relationships I had with many of the men I had in my life, which included my boys, my son in-law, my brothers, and my cousins. And Eeyore was the sad depressed mopey donkey my ex husband became whenever he did not get his way. Eeyore included moments of suicide threats and bouts of deep depression, sheer unhappiness that I was responsible for carrying each day. Balloon by balloon I let each of them go into the sky, they floated far away until they were barely visible, then blip they were gone. I cried with my mother and sisters and actually felt lighter as we got back in the car and drove away.
It's been two weeks since the shower and I find myself angry... angry at everything. I've thrown my deodorant, pens, the cap to my cooking spray oil, my son took me to throw apples at an old wall in the park. I am still mad. The release of the balloons was just the tip of the iceberg to what I am feeling I suppose. Perhaps I just opened Pandora's box of angry birds and they will be flying out soon to peck out my own eyes... um mom?... I need more balloons!! How do I get the angry sharks to stop swimming in my brain? I got enough going on in there! I was told by an old friend that I needed to be honest with myself and with him it's the best place to start. I think she's right... Balloons couldn't hurt either right? Maybe a therapist and some Prozac too? Heaven help me.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Yesterday
Yesterday, July 6, 2009
I went into the eye doctor today to get new glasses, my vision has been blurry, and I have been having headaches. I also see these weird white spots in my peripheral vision. I have been so overloaded and stressed at work, no one can really appreciate a receptionist unless they actually have been one... anyway I have been having trouble reading my computer screen and I'm making stupid mistakes... guess it's time to get my eyes fixed, I thought. The doctor was young but very educated, I liked her right away... most eye doctors I have seen remind me of the teacher on Ferris Bueller's Day Off "Bueller? Bueller?" She dilated my eyes and took a look. She asked me a questions that matched my grievances exactly, and then got up and got a book she said, "I think you may have a disease called Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, look you are a textbook case," she said as she handed me the book. "O.k. so, when can I get my glasses?", I ask naively. She told me I had to get to an emergency room because I had pressure on my optic nerve that could cause severe damage. Uh.. I just came in here for glasses??!! I learned that my vision was being effected by the pressure so new glasses were not a good option for today. She also told me if I didn't agree to go on my own accord she would be obligated to call an ambulance. So, I went, and it turns out I do have Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, a brain disease.. and get this... my brain only thinks it has a tumor, Pseudo is Latin for false. Duh! leave it to my brain! After a pretty scary Lumbar Puncture to relieve some pressure they sent me home to recover. I feel dizzy and light headed, confused, and overwhelmed. All I can think about is my kids and how I will be able to deal with this, them, being a single parent, and keeping my job. It's times like these when I really turn to God. Why does it take something of such grandeur to make me turn to him? I am a hard- (filled with fluid)- headed fool.
I went into the eye doctor today to get new glasses, my vision has been blurry, and I have been having headaches. I also see these weird white spots in my peripheral vision. I have been so overloaded and stressed at work, no one can really appreciate a receptionist unless they actually have been one... anyway I have been having trouble reading my computer screen and I'm making stupid mistakes... guess it's time to get my eyes fixed, I thought. The doctor was young but very educated, I liked her right away... most eye doctors I have seen remind me of the teacher on Ferris Bueller's Day Off "Bueller? Bueller?" She dilated my eyes and took a look. She asked me a questions that matched my grievances exactly, and then got up and got a book she said, "I think you may have a disease called Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, look you are a textbook case," she said as she handed me the book. "O.k. so, when can I get my glasses?", I ask naively. She told me I had to get to an emergency room because I had pressure on my optic nerve that could cause severe damage. Uh.. I just came in here for glasses??!! I learned that my vision was being effected by the pressure so new glasses were not a good option for today. She also told me if I didn't agree to go on my own accord she would be obligated to call an ambulance. So, I went, and it turns out I do have Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, a brain disease.. and get this... my brain only thinks it has a tumor, Pseudo is Latin for false. Duh! leave it to my brain! After a pretty scary Lumbar Puncture to relieve some pressure they sent me home to recover. I feel dizzy and light headed, confused, and overwhelmed. All I can think about is my kids and how I will be able to deal with this, them, being a single parent, and keeping my job. It's times like these when I really turn to God. Why does it take something of such grandeur to make me turn to him? I am a hard- (filled with fluid)- headed fool.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
100 Days
Today, July 26, 2014
Have you ever been to a state penitentiary? It is a literal cage for humans, rats in their holes desperate for cheese, friends, warmth. All do their best to adapt I suppose, some use their talents to pass the time, some read, some cling to religion, and some just go out right crazy. Even in the visiting area I find it's cold there, the air smells of rubber, dust, and cement. The guards wear tazers and have night sticks and they jingle when they walk like the creepy guys on E.T. And yet.... he's so happy. He's one of the lucky ones that was able to find Jesus in the depths of hell, to repent of his wicked ways and change. In turn he's been protected by God's grace and I'm sure a few of his Holy Angels. He's so different I don't even recognize him. I love to see his eyes glow with hope and aspiration instead of flat-line with dis-pear and the misery of being high. He smiles and laughs now and is so concerned about my feelings. I like this new guy.... and in one hundred days maybe he can start to show me that Jesus can be with him out here too... One hundred days and counting.
Have you ever been to a state penitentiary? It is a literal cage for humans, rats in their holes desperate for cheese, friends, warmth. All do their best to adapt I suppose, some use their talents to pass the time, some read, some cling to religion, and some just go out right crazy. Even in the visiting area I find it's cold there, the air smells of rubber, dust, and cement. The guards wear tazers and have night sticks and they jingle when they walk like the creepy guys on E.T. And yet.... he's so happy. He's one of the lucky ones that was able to find Jesus in the depths of hell, to repent of his wicked ways and change. In turn he's been protected by God's grace and I'm sure a few of his Holy Angels. He's so different I don't even recognize him. I love to see his eyes glow with hope and aspiration instead of flat-line with dis-pear and the misery of being high. He smiles and laughs now and is so concerned about my feelings. I like this new guy.... and in one hundred days maybe he can start to show me that Jesus can be with him out here too... One hundred days and counting.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Time
Today, July 14, 2014
Just in awe of human stubbornness and set ways... the natural fight or flight instincts in our genetic makeup leave little room for open minds, and clean hearts. Forgiveness is such a freeing feeling of weightless burden or guilt, yet a lot of us choose to stay in misery because we were victimized, or better yet we were right. I saw my cousin this weekend, one whom had fallen from our family tree of nuts and swore us crazies off for twenty years. Twenty years of missed photos, weddings, funerals, reunions, and parties. Now don't get me wrong it was like time had stood still and we were back to the old family, just my kids are grown and I now have a grand child... almost two to share with him. I miss those twenty years.
Time is a funny thing that we made up to keep track of each other. Time to meet, time to work, time to play... can't wait until 5:00 then it's time to go home. But time isn't made up when the grains of sand slip through the hour glass into days and we wonder where it went... that's when we wish for more and it is gone just as easily as it came. Life seems to to distract us into an array of years of excuses. I have done this too with friendships, let them go, let them slip because of life and where it takes me. I am grateful for clean slates and new beginnings even though the past is slipped away, the future awaits to sift through my fingers.
Just in awe of human stubbornness and set ways... the natural fight or flight instincts in our genetic makeup leave little room for open minds, and clean hearts. Forgiveness is such a freeing feeling of weightless burden or guilt, yet a lot of us choose to stay in misery because we were victimized, or better yet we were right. I saw my cousin this weekend, one whom had fallen from our family tree of nuts and swore us crazies off for twenty years. Twenty years of missed photos, weddings, funerals, reunions, and parties. Now don't get me wrong it was like time had stood still and we were back to the old family, just my kids are grown and I now have a grand child... almost two to share with him. I miss those twenty years.
Time is a funny thing that we made up to keep track of each other. Time to meet, time to work, time to play... can't wait until 5:00 then it's time to go home. But time isn't made up when the grains of sand slip through the hour glass into days and we wonder where it went... that's when we wish for more and it is gone just as easily as it came. Life seems to to distract us into an array of years of excuses. I have done this too with friendships, let them go, let them slip because of life and where it takes me. I am grateful for clean slates and new beginnings even though the past is slipped away, the future awaits to sift through my fingers.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Yesterday
May 1, 1990, 10:39 PM
There it was swishing in our old rickety washer, swimming a pale blue in the water with my father's brand new jeans... my bra...and not just any bargain bra, oh no, it was my wedding bra!. The very under garment I was to be wearing at seven am the next morning.You know the long hunted, money is no obstacle strong, supportive, and invisible type; the hand wash only, made in some unpronounceable country, sleek, and luxurious type? I never would have ever guessed in all my little girl Cinderella dreams that my "something blue" would be my brazier!
Shock was the only thing that stopped Bridezilla from storming Tokyo with death defying fireballs. Her cousin, Godzilla however, had already appeared in my living room the prior week when my three year old brother took scissors to my six foot train because he wanted to cut something. Trust me I wanted to cut something too!! I snatched the powder blue bra from the washer and decided there was nothing I could do. I was going to hang it to dry over night and laugh about it years later. A disappointed tear fell down my cheek and as I wiped it away I thought I just want to go to my castle to marry my prince... and live happily ever after surrounded in blue bras...
Shock was the only thing that stopped Bridezilla from storming Tokyo with death defying fireballs. Her cousin, Godzilla however, had already appeared in my living room the prior week when my three year old brother took scissors to my six foot train because he wanted to cut something. Trust me I wanted to cut something too!! I snatched the powder blue bra from the washer and decided there was nothing I could do. I was going to hang it to dry over night and laugh about it years later. A disappointed tear fell down my cheek and as I wiped it away I thought I just want to go to my castle to marry my prince... and live happily ever after surrounded in blue bras...
Monday, June 23, 2014
Learning to Fly
Today June 23, 2014,
Have you ever sat at the park and had seagulls fly overhead and you prayed they don't crap on you? My picnic glass is so busy being half empty that sometimes I miss what is really in front of me. After a few bird swoops and a few duck and dodges, I bucked up, remembered I wear glasses, kept my mouth shut tight, and today I really saw the streamlined under carriage of a seagull. He tucked up his feet and did a sort of pump pump glide motion the way I used to get my swing to maximum height as a child. This was just second nature to Mr. Seagull, but to me, a miracle to behold. Can miracles be second nature? Do we just go about life pump pump glide and wham a miracle steps in? Sometimes... Maybe we go about lifing and we are someone else's miracle not even realizing it... pump pump glide.
God's design for us is so complex, it's simple, so mind blowing it's peace, and so magnificent it is pure. Love is the miracle, and we can tap into it every day, just by recognizing his hand in our lives. He is everywhere. He is with the Seagull, the sunset, the flowers in the garden, and even residing with us if we allow him to be in our hearts. When we can be open to this, to let him in, we can be the miracle, and it can become second nature. We can do what the Lord asks of us even if it is very challenging.
Believing in Christ is great, being Christ like is better...
The Seagull reminded me to be Christ like on my new life path. To remember him in all things,to remember he is with me, and all will be well with me. I will be strengthened, I will see miracles, and I will be able to help others along the way. I think I am finally learning to fly... watch me go.... pump pump glide.
Have you ever sat at the park and had seagulls fly overhead and you prayed they don't crap on you? My picnic glass is so busy being half empty that sometimes I miss what is really in front of me. After a few bird swoops and a few duck and dodges, I bucked up, remembered I wear glasses, kept my mouth shut tight, and today I really saw the streamlined under carriage of a seagull. He tucked up his feet and did a sort of pump pump glide motion the way I used to get my swing to maximum height as a child. This was just second nature to Mr. Seagull, but to me, a miracle to behold. Can miracles be second nature? Do we just go about life pump pump glide and wham a miracle steps in? Sometimes... Maybe we go about lifing and we are someone else's miracle not even realizing it... pump pump glide.
God's design for us is so complex, it's simple, so mind blowing it's peace, and so magnificent it is pure. Love is the miracle, and we can tap into it every day, just by recognizing his hand in our lives. He is everywhere. He is with the Seagull, the sunset, the flowers in the garden, and even residing with us if we allow him to be in our hearts. When we can be open to this, to let him in, we can be the miracle, and it can become second nature. We can do what the Lord asks of us even if it is very challenging.
Believing in Christ is great, being Christ like is better...
The Seagull reminded me to be Christ like on my new life path. To remember him in all things,to remember he is with me, and all will be well with me. I will be strengthened, I will see miracles, and I will be able to help others along the way. I think I am finally learning to fly... watch me go.... pump pump glide.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
The Right Path
Today June 21,2014
In my mortal life I have found the closer I am to God the safer I am physically, mentally, and spiritually. There have been times when I have not chosen to be close and I have made poor choices. I have made myself so bad and wrong for those choices, I still do that. But that's where chocolate and vanilla comes in... good or bad it was just a choice and we can always choose to correct.
Forgiveness, and integrity are the gear shift and steering wheel in the car on the path to making things right. Just as a manual gear shift has some play and leniency before it locks into gear, forgiveness is that place that can always be found before locking onto our own ideas. Integrity is a guide that keeps us on a straight and narrow path if it sways too far in one direction just like a steering wheel it will take us to an undesired location if not closely monitored.
Today, I am pondering choices I am a 43 yr old grandma of one almost two, 19 days separated from my husband, I have ailing health, no job and bills to pay, and all I can think of is... I'm on the right path.
In my mortal life I have found the closer I am to God the safer I am physically, mentally, and spiritually. There have been times when I have not chosen to be close and I have made poor choices. I have made myself so bad and wrong for those choices, I still do that. But that's where chocolate and vanilla comes in... good or bad it was just a choice and we can always choose to correct.
Forgiveness, and integrity are the gear shift and steering wheel in the car on the path to making things right. Just as a manual gear shift has some play and leniency before it locks into gear, forgiveness is that place that can always be found before locking onto our own ideas. Integrity is a guide that keeps us on a straight and narrow path if it sways too far in one direction just like a steering wheel it will take us to an undesired location if not closely monitored.
Today, I am pondering choices I am a 43 yr old grandma of one almost two, 19 days separated from my husband, I have ailing health, no job and bills to pay, and all I can think of is... I'm on the right path.
Intro
Hi there! This blog is designed to help all of us, but me especially, remember that yesterday is buried with the bones of my old cat under the tree in the front the yard of where my parents live. Today is all I have yes, the past can hurt and often I go to that tree and try to dig up the past and only find fragments of scarce memories which are excavated through the hard and weed covered earth. Holding tightly to these fragments I label them as pure truth and then get stuck in the dirt and the muck instead of brushing myself off and living for today. Some say all I have to do is let go, let it be, choose today. Is it really that easy? It can be I guess..I have learned choice is a powerful thing that is as easy as choosing chocolate or vanilla... personally I'd like to choose between rocky road and cake batter frozen yogurt (although that just made my choice much harder!) it's still just a choice. Every day we make thousands of them without even conscientiously thinking about them, until the really bad ones come back to bite, and bite hard! But is there a lesson in yesterday that makes us stronger and better today? History sometimes repeats itself for many reasons. I think those reasons are mostly to teach us to finally get it right.
Take a walk with me as I dig through yesterday and see how it is all part of a major God designed plan for today, and though choices were made that took me to another path, opportunities were opened for me to be better and stronger than I was before, bringing me to a richer today.
Take a walk with me as I dig through yesterday and see how it is all part of a major God designed plan for today, and though choices were made that took me to another path, opportunities were opened for me to be better and stronger than I was before, bringing me to a richer today.
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